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positive

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Anger boils to the surface and that is what they see in you. They look in your eyes, and they see those orbs burning and they interpret that as anger and little to nothing else. They see the way you stand up tall, the words flying out of your mouth and they presume to know.[break][break]

Rushfang is a complicated soul, even if upon first glance, he doesn't appear to be. The first thing most felines, especially these days, take note of is the fact that he does have a bit of an anger-management issue and that anger comes up quite frequently. But where some felines can hold it back and handle things when they get frustrated, Rushfang just can't seem to do that. He gets worked up over the little things, frustrated with the more things rub him the wrong way, and when something really doesn't suit him, he just explodes...most of the time without even meaning to. He causes problems and he is too stubborn to admit to most felines that he made a mistake.[break][break]

They talk about you, you know. They wonder when your next outburst might be, or who you might hurt next. After all, that's all you can do, isn't it? Hurt others. Maybe not with your claws or fangs, but with those sharp words that can cut deeper than and claw, dig deeper than any tooth. If you're not careful, you might be left completely and utterly alone. But maybe that's how you want it.[break][break]

The anger that rests on the surface makes it easier for Rushfang to hide the truth. The anger drowns out the rest of those dark thoughts that threaten to enclose him. Dark feelings of guilt and fear, feelings that he takes out on others, especially his little brother that is a constant reminder of the guilt that Rushfang harbors. He would say to the feline who knows him best that he doesn't mean to strike out in anger, but the truth is, perhaps it is all intentional. Anger is easier to deal with than the even darker emotions he is scared to show, scared to admit are there at all. Crying alone is easier than knowing others see your tears, after all.[break][break]

You're not really a bad guy, are you? Through the anger, through the darkness, there is more hiding there than you even know, isn't there? There is a big heart filled with kindness, but it's hard to get to it, isn't it? You look forward to the day when maybe there is an easy path there, but for now, that path twists and turns, and you get lost in the darkness. But every now and again, that kindness finds you.[break][break]

Beneath it all, Rushfang is a kind and caring tom. He is loyal to his Clan and those that are close to him and he would never do anything to physically harm any of them on purpose. Though, one could argue whether or not his angry outbursts were on purpose or not. Truth be told, he knows those are on purpose in a way, forcing others to create a distance between themselves and him. After all, he can never purposely hurt others if they keep away from him. But he has a big heart and when his anger isn't at the forefront, you may just see him show that kindness off, though he may go ahead and deny it ever having happened.

[attr="class","ncpBiographyText"]

the innocent life

moons: zero to six

Rushkit was one of three kits born to Sparrowcloud and Cedarheart. There were some fears that the she-cat who was often on the more sickly side wouldn't make it through the birth, but the three kits and the queen all turned out perfectly healthy. From early on it was pretty clear that Rushkit was the roughest of the three, often getting a little more on the fight side of play-fighting. Sparrowcloud would often remind him to be nicer with his siblings. Rushkit often grumbled and pushed away from his mother, though everyone could see that he loved her (even though he would fight against just how much he did care for her, wanting to be a strong and independent kit who didn't need his mother doting on him all the time).[break][break]

While they were kits, there was a litter born just two moons after them. Within this litter, there was a she-kit who Rushkit would become close with. While he bickered a lot with his own siblings (they just found ways to annoy him), he was quieter and gentler with Asterpaw. After a couple of moons, the two were inseparable and he found that he could chat with her in ways that were different than the way he talked with his own family or other felines in the Clan. They just...clicked.[break][break]

things get...complicated

moons: six to twelve

There was a little bit of talk about whether or not Rushkit was ready to join the rank of apprentice with his two brothers, but his mother would have none of it. They argued that he was still rather rough on others and often let his irritation get the better of him. But Sparrowcloud had seen the way he was with Asterkit and knew there was another side of him that he did not always show the rest of the Clan. His mother argued he was ready and that he would learn to control himself as an apprentice. "You'll be good, right, Rushkit? You'll listen to your mentor?" Rushkit agreed, but mostly because he was excited to be an apprentice and he definitely didn't want to be left behind and watch his brothers get further ahead than him.[break][break]

So the three kits became Rushpaw, Newtpaw, and Minkpaw. Rushpaw was given a she-cat as a mentor that everyone knew had a firm and unforgiving tongue. When he got frustrated or irritated by his inability to do something and attempted to lash out, his mentor lashed back at him. Every time he tried to dish it out, she would dish it right back. Perhaps looking back, the attitude wasn't the best as it didn't really teach Rushpaw to control his more harsh tendencies, but rather gave him a feeling that others could handle it as they got older. It was a fine time though - he enjoyed his time with his mentor. They might have argued and yelled a lot, but they were in a weird way, friends because of it.[break][break]

he did find that he missed his mother's presence and for the first couple of moons, he missed Asterkit as well. He would often go towards the nursery, just to see her and chat with her a bit. When she hit apprentice age and became an apprentice herself, he made sure their nests were close to one another. There were some jokes about how close the two were, but they just caused him to get annoyed (with embarrassment mostly). They'd often go hunting together when they could and in general, were just close friends.[break][break]

Then something else happened during these moons - their mother announced she was having another litter. Rushpaw had mixed feelings considering he didn't get along super well with the two brothers he already had. The night before Sparrowcloud would give birth though, something happened. Rushpaw even to this day doesn't even really remember what he had gotten in trouble for or why he started to argue with his mother about it. All he really remembers is that night he went to his nest and had the horrible thought, Why don't you just die. Just because he was frustrated and annoyed with whatever it was he had fought with Sparrowcloud about.[break][break]

He could never have seen it coming. He hadn't meant the words, obviously. They were just youthful words said out of annoyance. He loved his mother, he would never really wish for her death, but the next day when she had the litter and only one tom-kit survived, Rushpaw couldn't help but think it was his fault. His fault their mother and little sister hadn't survived to see the day. His fault. It was irrational to think that he was the real cause, everyone knew Sparrowcloud had been lucky to see the birth of her first litter without incident, but sometimes rational thoughts could not shake the feelings away.[break][break]

This is when the darkness really set camp up in his heart. The core kindness was still there, but between the irritable surface and that core was the darkness, growing with every day. He bickered with his brothers more and more and even watched as their father withdrew a bit from them after the death of his mate. He and his brothers named the kit born that night, Nightingalekit, but every time Rushpaw looked at their little brother, guilt wrecked his heart. He attempted to help raise the kit with them, but nothing he ever did was right and he bickered with his littermates as he always did. Newtface grew the closest to their little brother while Rushfang just never really fit in with the family, especially after their mother's death.[break][break]

everything burns to ash

moons: twelve to current

Rushpaw and his two brothers became warriors at the same time, all of them succeeding in their assessments. He became Rushfang as he had excelled in hunting more than some other skills and he was proud of the fact that he had finally become a warrior, despite everything. He was still affected by the events of the past few moons, but he bore the brunt of those feelings by himself. Well, sort of. Asterpaw was still there for him and they were as close as ever, but there were some things he hesitated to tell even her - such as the feelings he felt about being the reason for his mother's death...and why he felt that way. He just bottled them up and moved on. He did start to grow increasingly more annoyed with their father's absence. Sure, his mate was dead, but his kits were not. Nightingalekit was still alive - alive because their mother gave up her life for him. Cedarheart should be trying to raise that kit, but instead, his brothers were doing everything.[break][break]

It wasn't until Nightingalekit became an apprentice that Cedarheart finally came out of his stupor and started to make an attempt at repairing his relationship with his family, but Rushfang at that point wanted none of it. He watches as his brothers welcome him back and fury mixed with an overwhelming sadness starts to arise within him. How dare he think he can walk his way back into their lives like nothing happened. How dare he think that it was okay for him to just say, "Hey guys, now that the kit is an apprentice and there's something happy to celebrate, I'm all better now." (Okay, it was not exactly like that, but it sure sounded that way to Rushfang). Rushfang could feel that infamous anger started to bubble up as Cedarheart expected him to have a similar response to his brothers. But he didn't even care, through all these moons that maybe, just maybe, at least one of his kits was struggling with something just as hard, if not harder, than the pain he had been feeling.[break][break]

"No!" He shouted, frustrated and furious. He held back the tears he felt trying to push their way through - he would not show them his sadness. Not now, not ever. None of them had cared enough to even attempt to figure out if he had been okay. "You can't just walk back into our lives like you didn't abandon us! You didn't care enough to mourn with us. So why now? Just because things are easier now?" A part of him hated the way he was yelling in the middle of the camp, but he couldn't help it, the feelings were all a mess, coming out together in a fit of rage. Then Nightingalepaw attempted to mediate, as he always had attempted to do between Rushfang and his brothers, and overwhelmed with a large number of unsorted feelings, Rushfang turned his attention to his little brother.[break][break]

But as Rushfang turned to the younger kit, he did not see Nightingalepaw. He saw himself, Rushpaw, the night before his mother gave birth. The night he went to bed after a meaningless fight with the she-cat and said words to himself he never should have said. "It's your fault she is dead!" he yowled, fury ripping through him, and in turn, his words ripped through Nightingalepaw. He was the reason why their mother died and thus why Cedarheart withdrew and all but abandoned them. They would all be better off without him. Those were the sentiments he said, the things that rushed out of him and while it all looked like he meant them at Nightingalepaw, he said them at himself. He said them at Rushpaw.[break][break]

It wasn't until Cedarheart stepped in that Rushfang realized what he had done, what he had said in Nightingalepaw's direction, what he had aimed towards the young apprentice when it was never meant for him. Cedarheart disowns Rushfang in front of the whole Clan - pushing the young warrior out of a family Cedarheart had abandoned for moons. "Good job being a father now, Cedarheart." Before his anger subsided, Rushfang left the group and went out into the territory to be alone, to gather his thoughts, but most importantly, to cry.[break][break]

Asterheart found him not long after he had left the camp as she knew exactly where he had gone. There was a hollow log out in the territory that she and he had come to realize didn't get much traffic. They often went there together when they needed time to themselves to just talk. When she found him there now, he was huddled inside the log, his sides heaving as he cried, letting all those feelings pour out of him. "Rushfang. What was that just now? That...that wasn't you." He turned to look at her, the fur along his cheeks wet. "Oh no? But everyone thinks it is most definitely me. I'm just an angry ball of fury, lashing out because I feel like it." Asterheart said nothing and pushed her way into the log to lay beside him and started to gently groom him, letting him cry in silence.[break][break]

After a while, Rushfang made her promise not to tell a soul what he was about to say. When she promised it would stay between them, he told her everything. How he hadn't been yelling at Nightingalepaw, but rather himself. He told her about how he had been so consumed with sadness and guilt, carrying it with him all these moons without a father to help him. How seeing Cedarheart just try to walk back in and be the father he neglected to be when at least one of his kits was broken - when one of his kits could have really used a father to tell him "it's not your fault" as he was likely telling Nightingalepaw now. She listened and comforted him. She knew words weren't needed at the moment, he just needed to finally let it all out and that's what she let him do.[break][break]

Things were not going to be easy after that night and after that incident. His father had been serious when he had disowned Rushfang and Rushfang was fine with it - in a way. He deserved it and he realized that when he saw a change in Nightingalepaw. His younger brother really had taken words not meant for him to heart and Rushfang felt terrible about it. He resigned to the fact that his family would be better off without him and he did not fight his father's declaration. He still deals with his frustration and anger, as well as his guilt and sadness. Now there's just more guilt for him to enjoy.





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and i will be known as

naming & reasoning

PREFIX REASON: his brown fur
[break]WARRIOR SUFFIX REASON: skill in hunting
[break]USERNAME: @rushfang